


you're holding me like water in your hands

by tarlos



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Paul Strickland, Supportive Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), Trans Evan "Buck" Buckley, Trans Male Character, hand holding, if anything there isn't any angst but tagging just in case, physical touch, trans firefighters have to stick together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29112537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarlos/pseuds/tarlos
Summary: “Guys,” He begins to say, taking another deep breath. He looks to Eddie, who taps his thigh in comfort. “It's okay, you’ve got this, Buck. I know you do.” He smiled at Buck so softly that he just wants to kiss him right then and there, but he knows he has something bigger to do first.“I've got this.” Buck whispers to himself and nods before he begins to try again.“Guys,” he says again. He takes another deep breath. He’s got this.“I-I’m trans.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 190





	you're holding me like water in your hands

**Author's Note:**

> to the transmasc people who also project onto buck, this one's for you. 
> 
> by the way, there are mentions of and descriptions of anxiety, as well as the explaination of processes many transmasc people go through medically (hormones, surgery, things like that), so just wanted to give a heads up.

Buck took a deep breath as he looked at his reflection staring back at him. He was really going to do this. He was going to come out to his team.

When he joined the 118, he had already changed his birth certificate and was on Testosterone for a quite long time, so he decided to pass as stealth. 

He didn't want to be treated any differently because he's trans. He wanted to be treated like how every other guy would be treated.

He knows that him being trans won’t and doesn't make any differences to his team, the people he considers family, but he’s still terrified.

Coming out is scarier than anything he’s been through– his not so good parents, past breakups, _Abby._

However, Buck knows even though it’s absolutely terrifying, that he’ll feel better in the long run. The scary part only lasts temporarily, then everything will be okay.

He hears a knock at the door that startles him from the thoughts he managed to get lost in. “Buck? You ready?” Eddie asked behind the bathroom door.

Buck smiled. Eddie was his biggest support system, the first person he’s come out to in LA. Well, other than the people he’s hooked up with. Many of which didn’t take very well.

But Eddie, he took it better than Buck had expected. He acted normal, treated _Buck_ as normal. Sure, the sex and intimacy was a little different and hard at first, but when you really love someone, you’ll do everything to make everything and each other feel right.

Which is what happened between them. They made accommodations, they made changes, they worked together.

“Yeah, be out in a minute!” He says, and hears Eddie walk off. He sighs, stares at himself in the mirror once more and giving himself a onceover, before nodding to himself and exiting the bathroom.

He then quickly slips his shoes on and grabs his bag before going to join his boyfriend in his truck, but not before locking the front door. God knows how Eddie would go on for days about how unsafe it is when Buck forgets to lock the doors.

It's okay, though. He doesn't mind. 

He makes his way to the truck, slipping his bag into the backseat before settling in the front seat.

Eddie then turns the engine on, adjusting the air conditioning and turns the radio down. “You ready?” He asks, grabbing Buck’s hand and softly running his thumb over it.

Buck looks down at their hands and smiles before looking back at Eddie. “Yeah.” He says. “Yeah, I'm ready.” 

And with that, Eddie drives them to the station. 

It seems that Eddie can sense his anxiety, so he turns on Buck’s favorite songs and let’s Buck daydream as he drives the two to work.

He’s got this. _They’ve_ got this.   
  


* * *

  
"You ready, Buck?” Eddie asks him once more, placing his hand onto his left thigh and rubbing in a soothing manner, knowing that physical touch is something that calms Buck down, grounds him.

Buck takes a deep breath in and exhales slowly, counting to ten inside his head. “Yeah,” he says softly. He looks at Eddie. “Yeah.” He says clearer.

“Then let's go.” Eddie tells him, patting his thigh twice before taking the keys out of the ignition and unbuckling his belt. He hops out of his truck and goes to the right side to meet Buck.

They walk into the department hand in hand, Eddie’s thumb rubbing small, soft circles onto Buck’s hand.

“Hey, boys!” Bobby greets the two men. They say hi back and walk further into the station.

“Well isn't that cute,” Hen comments in a teasing manner, but a soft smile painted her face. Despite her constant teasing of the two and their relationship, she’s glad they've found each other. 

“Yeah,” Buck chuckles, then looks at Eddie, who’s laughing to himself as well. “Actually,” he takes a deep breath. “I have something to tell you guys.”

The serious tone surprised his team, but nonetheless they all sat down to listen to whatever Buck had to tell them.

 _This is it._ Buck thinks to himself. _No backing out now._

He feels the anxiety creeping inside of him again, and he tries to take a deep breath to calm himself down. 

Eddie is running circles soothingly into his hand again, nodding to Buck to encourage him to start, to tell him that it's _okay_.

The team notices Buck’s nervousness, so they decide to chime in to try to calm him down as well.

“Buck, whatever you have to tell us, know that it's okay and that we support you,” Hen says softly. “We will _always_ support you. No matter what.”

“Well,” Chim interrupts “Unless you committed a terrible crime, like murder.” He jokes, trying to ease the tension that was filling the room.

They all chuckle to themselves, and Chim’s joke actually did help him calm down a bit. Though he still feels scared, terrified even, he feels it a little less of that. 

This is his family. They’ll support him no matter what. 

Buck repeats that to himself in his head a few times before taking a deep breath. The words are on his tongue, and knowing he's about to spill them out into the world, he feels the terror rush back into him again, nausea filling his stomach.

“Guys,” He begins to say, taking another deep breath. He looks to Eddie, who taps his thigh in comfort. “It's okay, you’ve got this, Buck. I know you do.” He smiled at Buck so softly that he just wants to kiss him right then and there, but he knows he has something bigger to do first.

“I've got this.” Buck whispers to himself and nods before he begins to try again. 

“Guys,” he says again. He takes _another_ deep breath. He’s got this. 

“I-I’m trans.”

As soon as the words come out of his mouth, he feels instant relief. He still feels terrified of their reactions, but he knows things will be okay.

The hardest part is over now.

“Buck,” Hen says softly, in shock, but a smile painting her face. “I'm so proud of you for telling us. Thank you.” She says sincerely.

He nods to her, a smile reflecting onto his face now as well.

He then turns to Cap and Chim, who both have smiles on their faces, but Chim looks a little confused.

“I'm assuming this is something very important to you, considering you were nervous to tell us,” says Chim. “And don’t get me wrong, I support you one hundred percent, whatever it is, but–”

Buck chuckles to himself. “You're confused?” He asks Chim.

Chim’s face turns a bit red, a sheepish smile on his face. “Yeah, just a little. Would it be okay if you explained it to me?”

Buck looks to everyone else, who nod in encouragement. However, Eddie speaks up. “Buck, if you don’t want to explain anything, that’s okay. It's your choice on what you share to everyone and don’t share.”

Buck smiles at his boyfriend. “I appreciate your words, Eds, but I want to explain. It's okay.” He smiles and taps on Eddie’s thigh this time, before setting his hands on the table in fists and begins to mess with them. 

“I’m transgender,” Buck clarifies to Chim. At that, the gears in Chimney’s head begin to turn and he understands, but Buck wants to explain further.

“I was assigned female at birth, but at a young age, around eleven, I knew that wasn't who I was. I always felt… I-I don’t know, _different,_ but I couldn’t put my finger on it until I did some googling.

“That's when I found out I was actually a boy, and that I was just trapped inside of a body that didn't make me real comfortable, that didn't match how I _felt_ and knew who I was. I started Testosterone at sixteen, using my grandparents as consent, since my…” Buck pauses for a moment. “Parents weren't very supportive.” Eddie squeezes his hand softly at the last part. The others were listening to Buck’s words as if he was holding the stars. 

“I then got top surgery at eighteen after I graduated high school, since I was on hormone therapy for long enough. I got the type of surgery that doesn't leave scarring. Not—not that I was ashamed of being trans or needing the surgery, but just because I personally didn't want them. I wanted to be treated as normal, and for me, having no scars is what my normal is, what makes _me_ feel the most comfortable.” He rambles on.

He takes a breather for a minute, turning to look at an Eddie who’s smiling and encouraging him, before continuing on.

“I _did_ want bottom surgery,” Buck started to say. “But when I realized the realities of said surgery, and how they're aren't many options, I decided that I didn't want it, at least for now. I think the options available now are fucking _awesome_ for other transmasc people, but, but for me, I didn't like them. And though sometimes knowing my body is a little different makes me feel dysphoric, I'm happy with the progress that I've made up to today.” He smiles at his team, especially to Eddie.

“With all of that being said, I still have to take T every week, and I'll have to for the rest of my life. Sometimes it's a little annoying and I forget about it and almost miss my date for taking it, it's what makes my body— _me_ feel right, so I'm okay with everything that comes with that.” Buck pauses, taking another breath, before realizing he’s basically said all that he wanted to tell the crew. 

“I think I've explained everything now,” Buck says, placing his hand on top of Eddie’s, “So if you have any questions, you can _respectfully_ ask any.” He smiles.

As soon as he finishes, he notices that everyone, except Bobby (though, he knows Bobby is feeling something, even if he doesn't express it in the same way as the others do), is slightly teary eyed. Buck is about to be in the same spot in a minute, if he's honest with himself. 

“I'm so proud of you, Buck.” Hen says, taking one of Buck’s hands into hers and squeezing softly. “You're so brave, _so_ strong, and I'm so proud of who you’ve become—the _man_ you've become.”

Buck smiles at Hen. “Thank you, Hen. It means a lot to hear.” 

“Me too,” Says Chim. “Though I don't completely understand because I’m not trans, I respect you and all that you've been through to become the man you are today. It seems like a really hard thing, but I'm really proud of you for getting through the hard parts.”

They all nod at Chimney’s words. Though Chim isn't always a serious guy, when he is, he often says words they all want to say. He’s a person who truly cares, even if he has trouble showing it at times.

“I'm proud of you, son,” Bobby speaks up now. “Ever since you joined the 118, I've seen you grow so much as a person, as a man, and I'm really proud of you, Buck.”

At his words, Buck feels his eyes fill with tears. It's words he’s always wanted to hear from his father, but this is better. Bobby is a _better_ father figure than his actual father will _ever_ be, and he's lucky he has someone like Bobby in his life.

“Thanks, Cap.” Buck smiles, and Bobby just nods to him, a smile on his face. 

When he turns to Eddie, he's met with a look that one would call fond. “I'm so proud of you, Evan.” He says softly, taking Buck’s face in his hand, rubbing his thumb across Buck’s cheek. Eddie doesn't use his real name often, but when he does use it, it feels so special, especially after things like this.

“Thank you, Eddie. I’m proud of myself too.” He smiles at Eddie, turning back to the rest of the team to say something, but then the alarm goes off.

“We’ll talk more when we have time,” Bobby promises. Buck nods back to Cap before getting ready for their call.

* * *

  
"Hey Buck, did you know there's also another openly trans firefighter?” Hen asked him. They had just gotten back from a few calls, so they continued this conversation just as Bobby had promised. He opened his mouth in shock. He didn't know there was another trans firefighter out there!

“Really?” He honestly couldn't believe what he was hearing. “That’s awesome!” He said, a huge smile painting his face.

Hen smiled as well. “Yep,” said Hen. “His name is Paul Strickland, he works for the 126 down in Texas.”

“Texas?” Eddie asks. “I think I know who you're talking about!” He goes and joins where Chim and Hen are sitting at the table.

The rest of the team looked at him. “For real? You know him?” Buck asked, joining the trio at the table as well. 

Eddie shook his head. “Nah, I just have a friend down there who works on his team. He told me about Paul, I just wasn’t aware that he was trans.”

“You know,” Bobby speaks up. “I think it's really brave of you to tell us, Buck, seriously.” He smiles sincerely at Buck. Buck knows they’ve all said similar words earlier, but sometimes saying things once isn't enough and you feel like you have to say things multiple times so people know that the words are true. 

“Really?” Buck asks softly. He’s proud of himself, but he wouldn’t say that he’s _brave_ like everyone is telling him. 

“Yeah, totally!” Chim pipes up. “I think it's super cool that you feel comfortable to come out to us. It means that you trust us, and that we’re family.”

After he gives his words, Chimney then shoves a few chips into his mouth. The rest of the team snorted at him, but nonetheless they agreed with his words, so they also nodded and smiled at Chimney’s words.

“Yep,” Eddie squeezes Buck’s shoulder. “We’re a family, and we are _so_ proud of you, baby. You're really brave for telling the team.”

“Brave for telling the…” Hen trails off before it hits her. “You knew?” Hen gasps at Eddie.

Eddie and Buck just snort. “Well, yeah, he is my boyfriend. I was the first person he’s told since joining the LAFD, if you don't count all of his hookups.”

Buck blushes at the mentions of hookups.

“Well, now that you say that, it makes sense.” Said Hen. “Sometimes I wish you didn't have a boyfriend now so that you could tell your _best friend_ things first.” Hen teases.

Buck smiles. “Oh whatever, you know I still go to you for things, and just know you're the _second_ person I tell things.”

“Second, sure _whatever_.” Hen says, playfully mocking Buck’s words and rolling her eyes. They then all went their separate ways before they have another call.   
  


* * *

  
“You know,” Eddie says softly as they lay in bed, intertwined with each other, the light on their nightstand painting the room and their skin with a light yellow glow. “I really am proud of you, Buck.”

Buck smiles and twists himself so he can look up at Eddie. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Says Eddie.

They're grinning like idiots, but they don't care. They're happy. They’d wish nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives like this.

“Coming out is a really hard thing, and _God_ do I know how terrifying it could be,” Eddie began to run his fingers through Buck’s hair, making the blond settle onto his chest once more. “But it’s also so relieving once you do it.

“No matter the reaction you receive, no matter what anyone else thinks of you after, it feels so relieving that you no longer have to hide a part of yourself. You feel like there's a weight lifted off of your shoulders and you feel _free._ ”

Buck takes a moment to intake his lover’s words, to really think about what the other man is saying. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” Buck says. “I felt like that earlier, like everything that felt heavy on my shoulders was just lifted _._ ” 

Eddie nods and shifts so he can get more comfortable. “You know, I have Paul’s number I think, if you wanna text him sometime.”

At that, Buck shoots up. “For real?!” He exclaims. Eddie smiles wide at his enthusiasm. “Mhm.”

“That’s so cool! Can I get it? I wanna text him. We could be trans firefighter buddies!” Buck says, his smile wide and eyes shining. 

“Hell yeah you could be, here let me text his number to you, then you can text him yourself.” Eddie says, but as he's grabbing his phone to text Buck Paul’s number, Buck is tiredly laying on his chest again, almost asleep.

He smiles softly and sets his phone down on the nightstand before turning off the lamp, the room now dark, except for the small night light that’s plugged in across the room.

He kisses Buck’s forehead before whispering, “Tomorrow,” into Buck’s hair and drifting to sleep himself.


End file.
